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The Ultimate Insult

Friday, November 23, 2001

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The BYTE Fiasco

Hi, Jerry--
Remember that long-winded insult you found somewhere online and posted on
SFF.Net a couple of months ago. A friend forwarded it to me ... but there's
more to it than that. Go nine paragraphs down from "Cut here" and check it
-- Allen  
From: Mike Cothran <>
Date: Wed, 21 Nov 2001 09:20:46 -0600
To: "Allen Steele (BB)" <>
Subject: Insult file
Here is the insult file I mentioned several years ago.
Wait, I've got something here for you, here it is -- ili
Mike Cothran
Insult file Version 5.32a
See credits at the bottom of this document.
for the latest version of this file, go to
[ ].
*********************** CUT HERE *****************************
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we
say in Texas, you couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions
printed on the heel. You are a canker, an open wound. I would rather
kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You took your last vacation in
the Isles of Langerhan.
You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little
worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk,
a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a
stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared
richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth
into a hostile world. You are an insensate, blinking calf,
meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling
beasts who sired you and then died of shame in recognition of what
they had done. They were a bit late.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same
species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf
at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut.
Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You
are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention
that you smell?
Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting
to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a
nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be
able to access it ever so much more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up,
drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set
you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the
frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the
queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid,
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an
ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with
you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost
in a land that reality forgot. You are not ANSI compliant. You
have a couple of address lines shorted together. You should be
promoted to Engineering Manager.
And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important
statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us?
What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your
tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous
desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of
the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a
loathsome disease, a puerile slack-jawed drooling meatslapper. You
make Quakers shout and strike Pentecostals silent.  You are the kind
of person who would remove this reference to Version 5.32 and to so people will think that
you wrote this.  Your mother had to tie a pork chop around your neck
just to get your dog to play  with you.  You think P.D.Q. Bach is
the greatest composer who ever lived.  You prefer L. Ron Hubbard to
Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle.  Hee-Haw is too deep for you.  You
would watch test patterns all day if the other inmates would let you.
On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are
deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality
of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted.
You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and
sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off,
pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john.
You clouted boggish foot-licking half-twit. You dankish clack-dish
plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You bloody churlish
boil-brained clotpole ponce. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup
pratting naff. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing
gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted
clapper-clawed flirt-gill.
You are so clueless that if we stripped you naked, soaked you in
clue musk, and dropped you into a field full of horny clues, You
still would not have a clue.
You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are
degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing
you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard
stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it
goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension
of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid
collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed.
Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity
stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more
stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year.
Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our
universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial
fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence
of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the
laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an
epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me
again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride
your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant
trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have
snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well...
it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a
creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together
a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective...
Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell,
and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary
skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that
everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget
that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these
things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then
I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been
"right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the
best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be
placing such a demand on you.
(check all boxes that apply)
[ ] Clueless Newbie  [ ] Lamer        [ ] Flamer
[ ] Loser            [ ] Spammer      [ ] Troller
[ ] "Me too" er      [ ] Pervert      [ ] Geek
[ ] Freak            [ ] Nerd         [ ] Elvis
[ ] Racist           [ ] Fed          [ ] Freak
[ ] Fundamentalist   [ ] Satanist     [ ] Homeopath
[ ] Unbearably self-righteous person  [ ] Shoko Asahara
I took exception to your recent:
[ ] Email
[ ] Post to ________ newsgroup
[ ] Broadcast
[ ] Letter
[ ] Book
[ ] Lecture
[ ] Phone call
[ ] Advertisement
[ ] Schematic
[ ] Telepathic message
[ ] Existence

It was (check all that apply):
[ ] Lame           [ ] Stupid          [ ] Abusive
[ ] Clueless       [ ] Idiotic         [ ] Brain-damaged
[ ] Imbecilic      [ ] Arrogant        [ ] Malevolent
[ ] Contemptible   [ ] Libelous        [ ] Ignorant
[ ] Stupid         [ ] Fundamentalist  [ ] Microsoftian
[ ] Boring         [ ] Dim             [ ] Cowardly
[ ] Deceitful      [ ] Demented        [ ] Self-righteous
[ ] Crazy          [ ] Weird           [ ] Hypocritical
[ ] Loathsome      [ ] Satanic         [ ] Despicable
[ ] Belligerent    [ ] Mind-numbing    [ ] Maladroit
[ ] Much longer than any worthwhile thought you may be capable of.

Your attention is drawn to the fact that:
[ ] You posted what should have been emailed.
[ ] You obviously don't know how to read your newsgroups line.
[ ] You are trying to make money on a non-commercial newsgroup.
[ ] You self-righteously impose your religious beliefs on others.
[ ] You self-righteously impose your racial beliefs on others.
[ ] You posted a binary in a non-binaries group.
[ ] You don't know which group to post in.
[ ] You posted something totally uninteresting.
[ ] You crossposted to *way* too many newsgroups.
[ ] I don't like your tone of voice.
[ ] What you posted has been done before.
[ ] Not only that, it was also done better the last time.
[ ] You quoted an *entire* post in your reply.
[ ] You started a long, stupid thread.
[ ] You continued spreading a long stupid thread.
[ ] Your post is absurdly off topic for where you posted it.
[ ] You posted a followup to crossposted robot-generated spam.
[ ] You posted a "test" in a discussion group rather than in misc.test
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message.
[ ] You posted low-IQ flamebait.
[ ] You posted a blatantly obvious troll.
[ ] You followed up to a blatantly obvious troll.
[ ] You said "me too" to something.
[ ] You make no sense.
[ ] Your sig/alias is dreadful.
[ ] You must live in a skinner box to be this clueless.
[ ] You posted a phone-sex ad.
[ ] You posted a stupid pyramid money making scheme.
[ ] You claimed a pyramid-scheme/chain letter for money was legal.
[ ] Your margin settings (or lack of) make your post unreadable. Each
line just goes on and on, not stopping at 75 characters, making it hard
to read.
[ ] You posted in ELitE CaPitALs to look k0OL.
[ ] You posted a message in ALL CAPS, and you don't even own a TRS-80.
[ ] You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of this newsgroup.
[ ] You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the Internet.
[ ] You are a loser.
[ ] This has been pointed out to you before.
[ ] You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally
    worthless that you are being flamed on general principles.
I recommend that you:
[ ] Get a clue.
[ ] Get a life.
[ ] Go away.
[ ] Grow up.
[ ] Never post again.
[ ] Read every newsgroup you crossposted to for a week.
[ ] stop reading Usenet news and get a life.
[ ] stop sending Email and get a life.
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it.
[ ] Have your medication adjusted.
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor.
[ ] find a volcano and throw yourself in.
[ ] get a gun and shoot yourself.
[ ] Actually post something relevant.
[ ] Read the FAQ.
[ ] stick to AOL chat rooms and come back when you've grown up.
[ ] Apologize to everybody in this newsgroup.
[ ] consume excrement.
[ ] consume excrement and thus expire.
[ ] Post your tests to misc.test.
[ ] Put your home phone number in your ads from now on.
[ ] Don't post until you have a vague idea what you're doing.
In Closing, I'd Like to Say:
[ ] You need to seek psychiatric help
[ ] Take your gibberish somewhere else
[ ] *plonk*
[ ] Learn how to post or get off the Internet.
[ ] Most of the above
[ ] All of the above
[ ] Some of the above, not including All of the above
[X] You are so clueless that I didn't bother filling in this form.
You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful,
cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable,
belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal,
fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic,
brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented,
lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic,
fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant,
clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb evasive,
double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative,
paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical,
cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant,
deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring,
plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious,
secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant,
self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, and
Generally Not Good.
I hope this helps...
*********************** CUT HERE *****************************
If you have an insult you would like included, please send it
to [ insults at guymacon dot com ].
About the Insult file:
This document is a collection of insults gathered from many
years of BBS and Usenet use, so the real credit goes to the
many fine flamers who have had their work added to this
document over the years.  I am but an editor who has gathered
the works of others into one document.
You are free to use this for any purpose, including web pages,
newsgroup posts, emails, and letters to the Los Angeles Times.
You can even remove the ""
that I put in the middle of the document, but everyone will
mock you when they find out what you did.
How to use:
For full effect, I *strongly* advise using the full insult file.
Yes, it goes on and on.  That's what makes it funny.  Yes, parts
of it have been posted elsewhere. So what? You aren't trying to
pretend this is all your own work, are you?  ( O.K. I hear you.
go ahead and cut out the "STANDARDIZED BONEHEAD REPLY FORM" if
it really bothers you.  But that's it.)
When posting the Standardized Bonehead reply Form, make sure
that the one long line isn't wordwrapped by your computer.  We
_want_ that line to be too long.
If you post this on a web page, make sure that the Standardized
Bonehead reply Form is monospace with hard returns.  Use the
HTML "pre" tag if you know how.
****** Looking for a good Electronics Engineer? ******
My resume is at [ ]